Reflections: Finding Inner Beauty/Peace

"Perfection is the disease of a nation, pretty hurts..." Like many girls, I've looked in the mirror and hated my reflection. I looked at the scars, the freckles, everything that some would consider flaws...but I embrace those. My scars tell my story (which is that I'm mostly a klutz). I was told as a child that my freckles were angel kisses. My pale complexion I was told people tried to get as well as my "bug eyes". What I didn't like...was my weight.

People I have known for years look at me and say, "You weigh what? A buck 25?" What they don't know - I struggle with my weight. For as long as I can remember, my weight had always been a topic to me that people would talk about. As a child, I was often told that I needed to eat more meat & "get some meat" on my bones. I ate like an normal child did and at times I would eat that extra hot dog or slice of pizza, yet I still was on the thinner side.

Enter the school years and the comments remained the same. I loved my body the way it was! I didn't have a care in the world & God, what I do for that back. I never struggled with battling with my eating habits or anything like that, so my weight was never really much of a concern. Fast forward a couple of years and for the first time ever in my life, I started to look at my body differently. I started to see markings that weren't there before & I started to hate the way I looked. I tried to change the way I looked at myself, change my diet, etc. - but I never stuck to anything. I would get discouraged so easily and lose all motivation.

I can recall one time I went out shopping with a couple of friends & while I was trying on a dress, I didn't like the way my stomach looked in it. I kept pulling at the fabric around my stomach & a friend stated, "Stop it! You're not fat." Never in my life have I thought I was fat, but I wasn't comfortable with the weight that I had gained since my high school years. You see, I kept up the poor eating choices I made in high school, but did not take into consideration that my activity levels had decreased tremendously. I ended up gaining around 35 lbs post high school & until recently I've found the motivation to work out again.

Yes, I'm one of those "new year - gonna work out" people. However, I refuse to allow myself to quit a few weeks in. No! Instead, I have asked my friends, co-workers, family, and boyfriend to continue to keep me motivated.

The other night, I didn't want to work out at all. My body was sore, I was tired from work, but that didn't stop my boyfriend from helping me off the couch and encouraging me to work out. I refuse to allow people who make comments such as, "You're not fat; you don't need to work out" get to me any longer. For me, working out is more than just losing the extra few pounds I have gained. It is also my way of relieving stress & finding that inner self-confidence again. I refuse to let perfection be the disease of a nation. Sure, pretty hurts, but inner peace and beauty is healthy.

When Words Fail, Music Speaks

Never in my life have I felt like I related to a quote more than I do in this moment right now. Music has always held some sort of impact in my life. From a young age, I was always humming some tune or singing some nursery rhyme. Throughout my school years, I was always involved in some vocal activity. The majority of the time it was choir, but when I couldn't be in choir, I was constantly doing the school musicals.

Music is the main way (besides writing) that I have been able to fully express myself. I can recall times where my Daddy has told me that he's never seen a more emotional singer in his life other than those professionally. Being in middle school at the time, I didn't understand what he meant. Being older now and having sang songs in choir concerts that I have been able to relate to a line or two, I completely see what he means now.

Sometimes when I find myself feeling trapped or freaking out over something, I plug in my headphones & drown out the world around me. Because in that moment, I'm able to completely escape into my music. It's almost like I can feel the artist's feelings as they sing in my ears. Music has been the only thing that has ever truly been there for me.

Yes, friends have been there for me whenever I needed. Same goes to my family. But it's just something is different when the music starts playing. And then I remember: "When words fail, music speaks".

Letters to Heaven

Dear Papa Jay:

What's it like in Heaven with God? I know we never got to meet, but I know that you are looking down upon us from Heaven with God by your side. So I guess you know that Momma named me after you. Yeah, my name's Olivia Jewell. Momma put another "L" on my middle name to make it more feminine. Momma used to tell me when I was little that I was named after you. She raised me to know that I have a grandfather whom I named after. She told me stories from her childhood. She'd tell me about how you served in the Air Force. Sometimes we'd even drive by one of the places in Evansville that you had gone to and to this day, I still drive by and think of you.

Awhile back, Momma told me I have your grin. She got to looking at pictures and I found out that I have your chin too. Actually, I got a few facial features from you. Made me happy to know that I can carry on your smile, the one I used to see in pictures all the time. I'm happy to know that I carry more of you than just your name. I wish you could see how far we have all made it. Well, I know you can see, but I wish you could be here to share it with us in person. I know you're in our hearts. I'm in college now. Going into my third year. Seems like just yesterday I was bawling my eyes out, begging Momma and Daddy not to leave me in Kindergarten. Walker's a Junior in high school. Momma is working at Stepping Stone and Daddy's a Boilermaker. Well, I'm sure you knew all that already. :) I talk about you often, like Momma does. Sometimes Momma and I would talk about how confused you'd get. Like whenever Aunt Lynda, or Lar-Lar, said she wanted to go see "The Who" and you kept asking about "who?" Haha. Maybe that's where I get my confused-ness sometimes. :) Yes, I did just make up that word. I know I never got to meet you, as I have said before. God said it was your time to go before anyone was really ready. Through the grace of God and you, I know that those affected by your passing have grown strong. Despite never have meeting you, I can say that I know you. I know you were a strong man, a man passionate about the things he loves. One who could sing really well and must be another way I take after you (or so I've heard). So from us down here on Earth, looking up at you, we love you. You're always in our hearts. ♥



Dear Great-Grandma Ruth:

I wish more than anything that I could have gotten to visit you once more before you passed away. However, it gives my heart ease to know that you were not alone whenever you went into the Lord's open arms.

Remember the quilt that you made for me whenever I was born? I still have it. I actually still have it in my bed with me. Though I'm far too tall for it now, but I still hold onto it dearly. I still even have that porcelain clown pin bag that you made that sings "It's a Small World After All".

I wish we all could have gone to visit you again. We always talked about possibly going back down to Florida, but it got so hard to make a trip down there. Breaks my heart that the last time I saw you, I was in elementary school & now I'm going into my third year of college.

But I must keep in mind that you're no longer in pain & that you are with Great-Grandpa Nathan now watching over all of us. Just please remember that you're always in our hearts. ♥



Dear Uncle Mark:

Where do I even start with your letter? It doesn't seem like it's been almost two months since you've passed. It still hurts like it just happened 12 hours ago. We're all struggling and coping in our own ways, but it's hard from time to time.

I'm glad I was able to get more hug from you and to tell you that I love you one more time. I will always hold those moments dear to me. I will always remember of you fondly as more than just my uncle, but my second father. You & Daddy were inseparable, which allowed Sara and I to become so close. Growing up, I remember staying over at your house so much. Since a young age, you've always been more than an uncle to me.

It helps me to remember that you're no longer in pain. That you didn't have to suffer. That you were peacefully sleeping whenever the Lord welcomed you with open arms. It helps me to know that you are in Heaven with the other loved ones we have lost & that you are watching over all of us.

Remember you are always in our hearts. Gone too soon, but never forgotten. ♥

Five Years Ago Today

I can remember it vividly. March 14, 2008 I had checked my cell before leaving for school. There was a text from K. It said: "Not going to be at school today. Mom's in the ICU." I texted her back that if she needed me, I'd be just a text away. She thanked me and that was all that was said that day.

Jump to the next day, I'm sitting in first period choir. We're spread around the room so our choir director could make sure we each knew our voice parts. I remember jumping as my cell vibrated in my pocket. I slipped my phone out of my pocket & checked the text. There it was. The text that would forever change K's life & begin to strengthen our friendship.

It's over. She's gone. She's in Heaven now. Please don't tell anyone.

I sat in my seat, stunned, mindlessly still singing along to our songs. Yet my mind was racing. How do I respond to that? How do I help her? I had never really experienced a death. I mean, yeah...my step-grandfather and my uncle passed away when I was younger, but I didn't really have to deal with it. Yes, I mourned their passings, but I was seven/eight years old. I didn't really remember it.

I remember walking around school for the rest of the day in some sort of a daze. Teachers would ask where she was and showed concern that she had missed so many days. I'd wait until every class was over and the classroom was empty and go up to whichever teacher it was and tell them that K's mom had passed earlier that morning and she wouldn't be back in school for awhile.

I remember my dad picking me up from my after school musical rehearsal and breaking down in the car. I told him that her mother had passed away & he asked if I wanted to tell mom or have him tell her. You see, K's mom and my mom used to work together when we were younger. I remember walking into the backroom and Momma sitting on the computer. I remember looking at her with tears in my eyes and breaking down in a sob as I told her that K's mom was no longer with us.

I texted K every day to make sure she was okay, to let her know that I was still here for her. I hate that she lost her mother, especially at such a crucial time in her life. We've become closer because of this. Sure, it's a bad thing to go through, but it strengthened our friendship. In that moment, we went from just being friends to being sisters. That moment, my parents unofficially adopted her.

It's been five years, but Momma Tramil has been smiling down on us from Heaven. God has a beautiful angel. ♥

Pray You Through

Have you ever felt so torn on what to do? Ever felt like you lost all the words to say to someone who needs to hear them in troubling times? Ever felt like you could do nothing to help them when they needed it, even if they said you did help? Yeah...it's been one of those nights. Ever been so scared that you were going to lose someone close to you, someone that has always been there for you? I mean, you read about it in the teen dramas and you see it on television, but you never think it will happen to you. But what do you do when the moment rises and completely stuns you. The only thing I can think of is to write that person a letter, so here's my letter. They may read it and take it to heart, or they may just read it and not look at it again. As long as they read it, that's all that matters to me.

Hey you... You're struggling really hard right now and I hate that you are. I wish I knew how to take away the stress and the pain, but I don't. I know you. I look at you and I see the strong person that I have gotten to know over the years. You may think that person is gone, but I see that person there. They're just struggling to pull through the darkness that has now come to consume them. You may feel like you are alone now, but you're not. I will always be here for you in the best ways possible. You are more like family to me and I don't want anything to happen to you. Not only am I here for you, but so is my family. You know this & I hope you use it to help you. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't know what to say to make you feel better or don't know what to do. My mom tells me that I just need to sit there and listen to you. I do, but I feel like I need to do more. Just know that no matter what, you can ALWAYS come to me and I will always listen. If you need more advice, I'll do my best. I just want to help you. You're strong and you can overcome this. I believe in you. Sincerely, Me.

There's this one song that I keep listening to and it's helping me to find the words to say to them when they need words of encouragement. I actually heard it on One Tree Hill, and I fell in love with the power of emotion in the singer's voice. I really got to listening to the lyrics the other night and was like, "This is the song that they need to hear." Just know that no matter what, I'm here for you and when I feel lost as to what to do, I will pray you through.

Thirteen Years Later

A lot of people in high school, college, and just people in general see today as a day to get high since it's 4/20. However, I wonder how many of them actually realize that "420" is police code for marijuana.

Anyway, that's not the point of my blog today. Today is a different day. Today is a day of remembrance. Today marks the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre.

Thirteen years ago today, radios and televisions were broadcasting about a fatal school shooting. The country sat in silence as the story about Columbine High School continued to develop. People questioned why these two young boys would do something like this. People cried. People were mad. People were...overwhelmed.

Personally, I cannot tell you what I felt this day. I was only six at the time. However, I can recall going through a phase where I loved reading the Chicken Soup for the Soul stories and stumbling upon several that kept talking about this school shooting. I was intrigued. "Why would someone do this? What happened? When did this happen? Where did it happen?"

I took it upon myself to look up the information. I found articles from newspapers, I found stories about it that the survivors wrote...but the most disturbing to me was the video footage that I found posted on YouTube. At first, I thought it couldn't be. It was some mock video. I was wrong. There in black and white was the actual surveillance videos from the high school cameras. As I sat there watching those two boys terrorize the students and faculty, I felt my heart and stomach drop. I just sat there, stunned by what I saw. Flashes from the gun shots and bombs going over. Mini fires. I cannot even begin to imagine what was going through the minds of those students trapped and the faculty. I wanted to stop watching the videos, stop reading the articles...but it was like a car wreck...I couldn't look away. As I continued my own research, I cried and prayed for the families.

Sure, it may have been years ago. However, you know those families are still affected by it today. Children's lives were lost that day, along with one of the teachers. On April 20, 1999...fifteen lives were lost. Twelve students and one teacher. Then the boys turned the guns on themselves and committed suicide. May God bless their souls and be with their families on a day like that.



The above picture shows all the victims from the Columbine Massacre.
So today...instead of thinking, "Oh let's get high!" or "How many people are getting high?" Think about the lives that were lost on this day, or the thousands of people who are doing everything in their power to make sure that you are still here today.

Thank you.

Fears vs Dreams

The other day, I was on my Twitter account and I saw something that caught my eye. You see, I follow To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA)and they were asking people to tweet their fears and their dreams. If you don't know much about TWLOHA, they are a non-profit organization that helps people who are struggling in different ways. I've never gotten to that point, but I've known people & after doing my own research, I support and agree with TWLOHA & their campaign, "Love is the Movement".




As I said above, I did what they asked and I tweeted myself:

@xo_livvie_xo: My biggest fear is never amounting up to anything. My biggest dream is to inspire people to follow their hearts. #fearsvsdreams #twloha

However, there was much more I wanted to say, but the fact that I am only given 140 characters to tweet, I figured I'd turn to my blog & ramble a little again, since well...it has been awhile since I've added another entry.

So here they are my...


My fears...as I tweeted, I fear I will never amount to anything. I worry that I may never get the degree that I want or that I'm just wasting money that my family needs. I fear losing people that I love. I fear losing my best friend. I fear not being able to be enough when someone needs my help. I fear that I will never be good enough. I have nightmares about people that I love walking out of my life & never seeing any of them again. Too many times lately, I've woken from a deep slumber breathing heavy as I recall the nightmare of watching my parents leave, my best friend leave...and it scares me. I guess most of all, I fear being alone forever.

My dreams...as I tweeted, I dream to inspire people to follow their hearts. I want people to follow their hearts & achieve their dreams. Some people have already told me that my relationship has inspired them, and I guess that's one step towards my dream. I dream to be successful, but to me being successful does not mean rich. I want to be able to live comfortably with my future husband & our children. I dream to be a nurse and help children feel better when they are sick.

Sometimes we may feel as if our fears outweigh our dreams, but in the truth is...is that's not true. Our dreams outweigh our fears. I mean sure, fears tend to hover in our minds more, but our dreams are always in our hearts. Our hearts are what helps us live. The moment you stop dreaming is the moment you die a little.