When Words Fail, Music Speaks

Never in my life have I felt like I related to a quote more than I do in this moment right now. Music has always held some sort of impact in my life. From a young age, I was always humming some tune or singing some nursery rhyme. Throughout my school years, I was always involved in some vocal activity. The majority of the time it was choir, but when I couldn't be in choir, I was constantly doing the school musicals.

Music is the main way (besides writing) that I have been able to fully express myself. I can recall times where my Daddy has told me that he's never seen a more emotional singer in his life other than those professionally. Being in middle school at the time, I didn't understand what he meant. Being older now and having sang songs in choir concerts that I have been able to relate to a line or two, I completely see what he means now.

Sometimes when I find myself feeling trapped or freaking out over something, I plug in my headphones & drown out the world around me. Because in that moment, I'm able to completely escape into my music. It's almost like I can feel the artist's feelings as they sing in my ears. Music has been the only thing that has ever truly been there for me.

Yes, friends have been there for me whenever I needed. Same goes to my family. But it's just something is different when the music starts playing. And then I remember: "When words fail, music speaks".

Letters to Heaven

Dear Papa Jay:

What's it like in Heaven with God? I know we never got to meet, but I know that you are looking down upon us from Heaven with God by your side. So I guess you know that Momma named me after you. Yeah, my name's Olivia Jewell. Momma put another "L" on my middle name to make it more feminine. Momma used to tell me when I was little that I was named after you. She raised me to know that I have a grandfather whom I named after. She told me stories from her childhood. She'd tell me about how you served in the Air Force. Sometimes we'd even drive by one of the places in Evansville that you had gone to and to this day, I still drive by and think of you.

Awhile back, Momma told me I have your grin. She got to looking at pictures and I found out that I have your chin too. Actually, I got a few facial features from you. Made me happy to know that I can carry on your smile, the one I used to see in pictures all the time. I'm happy to know that I carry more of you than just your name. I wish you could see how far we have all made it. Well, I know you can see, but I wish you could be here to share it with us in person. I know you're in our hearts. I'm in college now. Going into my third year. Seems like just yesterday I was bawling my eyes out, begging Momma and Daddy not to leave me in Kindergarten. Walker's a Junior in high school. Momma is working at Stepping Stone and Daddy's a Boilermaker. Well, I'm sure you knew all that already. :) I talk about you often, like Momma does. Sometimes Momma and I would talk about how confused you'd get. Like whenever Aunt Lynda, or Lar-Lar, said she wanted to go see "The Who" and you kept asking about "who?" Haha. Maybe that's where I get my confused-ness sometimes. :) Yes, I did just make up that word. I know I never got to meet you, as I have said before. God said it was your time to go before anyone was really ready. Through the grace of God and you, I know that those affected by your passing have grown strong. Despite never have meeting you, I can say that I know you. I know you were a strong man, a man passionate about the things he loves. One who could sing really well and must be another way I take after you (or so I've heard). So from us down here on Earth, looking up at you, we love you. You're always in our hearts. ♥



Dear Great-Grandma Ruth:

I wish more than anything that I could have gotten to visit you once more before you passed away. However, it gives my heart ease to know that you were not alone whenever you went into the Lord's open arms.

Remember the quilt that you made for me whenever I was born? I still have it. I actually still have it in my bed with me. Though I'm far too tall for it now, but I still hold onto it dearly. I still even have that porcelain clown pin bag that you made that sings "It's a Small World After All".

I wish we all could have gone to visit you again. We always talked about possibly going back down to Florida, but it got so hard to make a trip down there. Breaks my heart that the last time I saw you, I was in elementary school & now I'm going into my third year of college.

But I must keep in mind that you're no longer in pain & that you are with Great-Grandpa Nathan now watching over all of us. Just please remember that you're always in our hearts. ♥



Dear Uncle Mark:

Where do I even start with your letter? It doesn't seem like it's been almost two months since you've passed. It still hurts like it just happened 12 hours ago. We're all struggling and coping in our own ways, but it's hard from time to time.

I'm glad I was able to get more hug from you and to tell you that I love you one more time. I will always hold those moments dear to me. I will always remember of you fondly as more than just my uncle, but my second father. You & Daddy were inseparable, which allowed Sara and I to become so close. Growing up, I remember staying over at your house so much. Since a young age, you've always been more than an uncle to me.

It helps me to remember that you're no longer in pain. That you didn't have to suffer. That you were peacefully sleeping whenever the Lord welcomed you with open arms. It helps me to know that you are in Heaven with the other loved ones we have lost & that you are watching over all of us.

Remember you are always in our hearts. Gone too soon, but never forgotten. ♥

Five Years Ago Today

I can remember it vividly. March 14, 2008 I had checked my cell before leaving for school. There was a text from K. It said: "Not going to be at school today. Mom's in the ICU." I texted her back that if she needed me, I'd be just a text away. She thanked me and that was all that was said that day.

Jump to the next day, I'm sitting in first period choir. We're spread around the room so our choir director could make sure we each knew our voice parts. I remember jumping as my cell vibrated in my pocket. I slipped my phone out of my pocket & checked the text. There it was. The text that would forever change K's life & begin to strengthen our friendship.

It's over. She's gone. She's in Heaven now. Please don't tell anyone.

I sat in my seat, stunned, mindlessly still singing along to our songs. Yet my mind was racing. How do I respond to that? How do I help her? I had never really experienced a death. I mean, yeah...my step-grandfather and my uncle passed away when I was younger, but I didn't really have to deal with it. Yes, I mourned their passings, but I was seven/eight years old. I didn't really remember it.

I remember walking around school for the rest of the day in some sort of a daze. Teachers would ask where she was and showed concern that she had missed so many days. I'd wait until every class was over and the classroom was empty and go up to whichever teacher it was and tell them that K's mom had passed earlier that morning and she wouldn't be back in school for awhile.

I remember my dad picking me up from my after school musical rehearsal and breaking down in the car. I told him that her mother had passed away & he asked if I wanted to tell mom or have him tell her. You see, K's mom and my mom used to work together when we were younger. I remember walking into the backroom and Momma sitting on the computer. I remember looking at her with tears in my eyes and breaking down in a sob as I told her that K's mom was no longer with us.

I texted K every day to make sure she was okay, to let her know that I was still here for her. I hate that she lost her mother, especially at such a crucial time in her life. We've become closer because of this. Sure, it's a bad thing to go through, but it strengthened our friendship. In that moment, we went from just being friends to being sisters. That moment, my parents unofficially adopted her.

It's been five years, but Momma Tramil has been smiling down on us from Heaven. God has a beautiful angel. ♥